It's a gorgeous spring like day. I got my period last night, so i think that affected my mood around this. the weather too bursts energy into me.
A freewrite:
oh, hello mt toby! i watched ten minutes of ann armbrecht's numen movie, and it reminds me to slow down, connect. i keep saying: the common problem (regarding bernie, zen peacemakers) is disconnection. and here, i am trying to connect to shelter. connect to time, livelihood, creating, community, shelter, rules around shelter, the way we are urged to do things a certain way (mortgage, work this much, etc.)
and i just wanted it all done. dudette, you gonna be patient if this happens! its just a different kind of work, but work nonetheless. hopefully with some freed up stuff later.
being an adult.
i spoke with eve this morning during interview. i said mapping this out has brought up feelings, loneliness, afraid i'll be stuck in a trailer and lose momentum. she was supportive. i sid, i'll learn, bear witness to what comes up, what is the zen in this? she bears witness to me. am a woman, trying to live connected to my life.
is it the act of closing off other options? this is it. my (a) life i choose.
how do i feel now? right now, i feel i can do it. darling, of course you can do it. do you want to do it?
spencer is a resource. i have so many people who are resources.
do i want to? i want to have a cabin yes!
shelter. gimme shelter!!
the internal remodelin'
let me give space to the unspoken voices:
you will start and then not finish; you will be unhappy; you'll be content with inappropriate lazy things (mud); you will run out of money (fail); you will have this hanging over you like a dissertation; you will be unhappy; you will hurt yourself; you will be self absorbed and unable to help anyone else; you are too focused on small things; you are going to be way absorbed in this. you do not know who you will meet, etc. what if you start and never finish? is this what you want to do with your life? you will have to put all your energy into this! your life will shrivel up into a small piece of land responsibility; you'll be a stuck homebody in the middle of nowhere; maybe the way everyone else does it ISNT so bad -job, etc. are you proving a point? you'll be stuck! unhappy! depressed! this will be a mistake -cost more of your time and lifeforce than a good job would...something will go wrong! you are going in unchartered territory. this is scary. everyone else has money from family! (so do i...) you will fuck up! whatever you do it will be a mistake!
so scary it is to connect with what i want. do i just want someone to do this for me? here, karen a gift for you! a home, a straw bale home. here it is. do i want that ? can i allow that happiness?
maybe i wish my family gave me more basic needs in home, holiday, time together. ah well. i am what i am, my karma. why cant i even get a boyfriend? i feel alone they wont encourage me at all! philip will criticize me, marion will freak. gerhard will be quiet.
it is feb 17th. where could i get land??and then what would i do? id contact the building inspector.
should i take the prefab course? or design my own? if if design, what kind? post and beam? is there some middle ground -kit you can use and then make straw bale? i'll look into that.
can my parents lend me money? i would pay them back, philip too. i could pay them back! i just cant get a loan. i would definitely pay them back. maybe someone else could lend me money? i would pay them back and get a notary, etc.
i'll need money for land (25?) (could i make arrangement with owner?)
money for prefab house (25)
foundation 5
electric 2?
plumbing 3?
road?
roof
permits, etc 300
engineer 100-2k
perc 600
its still only 65k. for a small nice new house. and land!
it would be less stressful if i had 60k. maybe ben could lend me money and i'd repay him at 2 percent?
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